With huge period pain somehow I managed to safely drive to the forest as the pain killer wasn’t kicking in yet, I was barely clear sighted at the wheel…ups…the pain came so suddenly as I started to pack to my forest hike that I just took the pill in the car. Was very unusual and very strong pain, the one that goes to your tights and numb them as well. Not the best for driving… I suffered about two hours outside of my comfort zone in this challenging pain. Obviously, my comfort zone would be a CONTROLLED environment with warm bed and dryness with a shelter above me, preferably some sugar high intake …but I am driving to the forest already, I’m not going to turn back. This is my day when I must be there. Once a week at least. I must go for mental survival, no matter what.
Not a big deal, this kind of pain will leave eventually, but it did hit me with a realization that this excruciating pain immediately started coloring my experience and somehow cutting my ideal plans in the forest…but I continued the original plan. Arriving to the forest with very slow motion, walking in waving pain in my womb and tights I dragged my body to my hidden spot that usually nobody visits because it’s just too wild. My type of area where I can hide…I just managed to put my hands and forehead on my dear Queen Tree to salute and converse with her (as my plan was to continue our project we are working on together) when dark clouds came and started to rain and my body started to shake, it was too much stress on top of the pain. So, I opened my camping tool and coated my backpack and myself with an extra blanket and set down. I felt helpless, the painkiller wasn’t working…not yet, it’s been more than 40 mins I took it.
While I rested my head on my knees on my camping stool in some kind of a “numbing trance pain” – covered in blanket on top of my winter jacket, hat and gloves, rain falling on me – I did feel (and probably lookalike) homeless in the clearest sense.
I felt naked and unseen. It was very powerful and painful and somehow freeing. I can’t explain. It was some kind of a dark Extasy. Like a bad trip that has a good purpose. It was almost unbearably uncomfortable. Shoot, just realizing how much we, humans, would love to control..everything, according to what we believe its right. I do too . How shameful is that. We know nothing pretending we know it all. We are in pain trance.
When the pain killer finally started taking away my altered state, I could slowly step by step manage to move again and uncover myself, pack and bring my body to the stream (as 2nd part of the original plan) to kindly ask the Water to wash away whatever holds me back…to be NEW.
As I was leaving the weather already shifted to an amazingly great sunny picture. I literally spent the worst hours in the forest weather wise but that is exactly what I needed, I realized on my walk back to the car.
Seeing nesting birds, spiraling ferns, blooming wild flowers, golden sunshine after the dark painful “hopelessness” was exactly the contrast that gave me an energetic shower or boost to be able to proceed forward with a great strength. It’s not about hope anymore. It’s about will power.
An unplanned rebirth that Nature gifted me with a “perfect” weather I couldn’t possibly had have staying at home.
The Great Spirit knew this. Now, I am certain.
It is a new life and my Spring has come…
